Dear Nicole,

Just wondering what your cure for lesbian bed death is. Asking for a friend. Thanks.

-Meg in Minneapolis

Dear Meg,
I opened this up to the internet and got a HEAP of advice for you.

Firstly, Bed Death is not just for Lesbians. You’ll be happy to know that anyone’s sex life can dry up in a long-term situation. Thank goodness.

My best advice was: Don’t binge-watch series together in bed. Because then that’s what you do in bed instead of have sex with each other. And your be becomes a t.v. zone instead of a sex zone.

I also think you should work on staying turned on on your own time. Get amped in your own way so that you can come at your partner with excited energy.

Realize there are ebbs and flows to long term relationships, to ALL long term relationships, and it’s okay.

The tips from my readers were WAY BETTER than mine. Here are some highlights:

“Make it a game.  Say, ok, we’re not going to have sex for a month.  But
let’s focus on making out more, or just touching each other without
expectation for orgasm.  Just making each other feel good!  Building
physical intimacy without feeling like you have to have sex will likely
lead you to be more desirous of sex.”

invented a thing called “sex camp”. Sex ( of any form or fashion)
everyday for 30 days no matter what. Really gets you back in the swing
of things. Because sometimes you’re mad and lazy and don’t wanna do it
but you HAVE to because you committed to it so that anger ends up making
it hot.”

“Actively work to preserve your sex life with your long term monogamous partner. You are not always going to feel like bunnies in heat like the first couple of years (possibly unless you are poly, which I’m not), but sexual intimacy is important to your ongoing happiness together, so keep working on it together so you both stay satisfied.

Don’t fight in bed. Positive interactions only in bed. If you need to fight, get up and take a walk, fight outside, come back to bed when you are done.

Don’t go to bed angry. Talk, understand each other, apologize and accept apologies every day before bed. No hostility or cold shoulders in bed.

Do talk about how often you would both like to be having sex. Hopefully you can agree on this or compromise. When it’s approaching that interval, whatever it may be for you, make more efforts to initiate sex even if you don’t really feel like it. You’ll get into it.

Make your default answer “yes” any time your partner initiates sex. If you really don’t feel like it, say no, but if at all possible, say yes!

Even if you have cramps and aren’t really feeling it, it’s your job to help her have the best sex possible whether your interest in sex at that moment is 1/10 or 10/10. (If it is 0/10 then say no.) Hopefully you enjoy it too even if it’s not your ideal.

Don’t be petulant, whiny, complainy, or entitled when talking about sex. Be positive, kind, loving, state your needs/desires, ask about her needs/desires, make your partner feel good about herself and about you.

Go to bed at the same time and before you are too exhausted for sex.

If you have an extenuating circumstance–in our case, a pregnancy followed by a baby–change your expectations but continue to work really hard to make time for intimacy and sex!

Masturbation is A-OK.

Do something to make your partner’s body feel good every day, like a massage or back scratch.

Have a ten second kiss with plenty of groping and touching every day. We learned about this–“The 10 Second Cosmo Kiss” from Cosmopolitan magazine approximately one year into our 17 year relationship and we still do it. It ensures that you don’t start feeling like platonic roommates and also helps identify the times when one or both of you would really like to have ten or twenty more Cosmo kisses, naked.

Give all kinds of compliments and appreciate your partner in every way.

Only admire her body, never criticize.

Scheduled Sex. Scheduled sex is not unsexy. Especially if you are very busy people, new parents, or just stuck in a rut where other things get prioritized over sex. If you always wait for sex to be spontaneous or for both partners to feel like it, it will happen less and less as your relationship matures. There are many nights where it sometimes feels easier to just read or watch TV, or when you feel like you should do something incredibly unsexy like clean the kitchen instead. There are also not very many windows of opportunity if you have a small child around.  “Make sex dates! Then honor them even if you don’t ‘feel sexy’. Chances are once you start kissing, massaging, whatever you do for foreplay, it will start feeling sexy.“

Do you have more advice? Post it below! 

And if you want to hear brilliant advice from a professional astrologer and a shut-in codependent couple that includes a homemade doll, listen to Friday’s episode of Sagittarian Matters with Jessica Lanyadoo & Lex Vaughn.