VINTAGE ADVICE FROM Amos Mac, Tara Jepsen, and Kirk Read!!!!

Dear  Nicole,
How do I stop having a crush on someone? I legit
wanna be friends with this girl because she’s awesome in a particular
way that other people in my life aren’t and she’s said she cares a lot
about me and really wants to have me in her life as a friend (and I
believe her – don’t think she’s being polite), but I can’t kill this
crush I have on her. We’ve hooked up several times, had romance-y
things, but she’s on the other side of the country, in grad school, and
not available for any of that anymore. Under different circumstances,
I’d wanna be girlfriends. Right now I’m just not talking to her, but I
don’t wanna cut her off forever and I also don’t wanna be in hard crush
agony. Help!
Signed,
Hard Crush Agony

Kirk Read:  Have anonymous sex because it will help you shake off this cross country emailing friend.

Amos Mac: Watch a few seasons of a favorite guilty pleasure t.v.
show within 48 hours to “get your mind off of things” then post 3
different Craigslist casual encounter posts using 3 of your most diverse
personality traits, but allow them all to go to the same email address.

It works. At least for like 3 days.

Tara Jepsen: Just stop it. Don’t over-think. If you won’t let go, it’s a surrogate for other feelings.
Call it what it is and keep it to yourself. Don’t make it the other person’s problem.

Nicole J. Georges: Some people say “The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” It is sometimes true.

More remedies for heart-sickness include:
-Loud punk music
-Really good books
-Hanging out with old friends who can give you a little perspective on how small a blip this is on your   epic timeline
-Exercise
-Volunteering at a place where you are interacting with other humans and can’t think of the person.
-Throwing yourself into something you’re good at.
-Parceling out how much of this crush was projection and how much was reality.
-Look at really awkward photos of them online.
-Watch the saddest movie of all time, Grave of the Fireflies, and
remember that there are bigger problems in the world than your love
life.
-Swimming
-Falling asleep really early
-Make a list of all the people you’ve ever had crushes on, so you can get a little perspective.
Ask an old friend to help you compile this list so you can feel the hot
shame of having been head over    heels for some truly rank
individuals.

Dear Nicole,
Is it true that Portland lesbians will not date femmes who dated transguys?  if so, what is the reason?

Signed,
Potential Pariah

Kirk Read: It’s true. Portland is full of ruined women and these lesbians are just holding a line.

Amos Mac: This is a true or false question? I
have no idea what Portland lesbians do. Sounds complicated and none of
my business. Who cares who dates who… date who you LIKE regardless of
gender… or don’t. Did I even answer that?

Tara Jepsen: That is stupid shit that doesn’t matter in the world. When the right person comes along, you guys choose each other.

Nicole J. Georges: My research indicates that having dated a
trans-dude is not a barrier to dating lesbians in Portland, Oregon. The
greater issue, in my opinion, is the idea that having dated dudes, you
could identify as bi-sexual. *That* can be sticky when it comes to the
Gold Star crowd.
In my experience, this community is more bi-phobic than they are trans-sensual-phobic.

At the end of the day, whomever you are dating or wanting to date needs to Take You or Leave You as you are.
You are not going to change the past, and you don’t need to spend all of your time calming someones anxiety about it.
If you wanted to be with a dude you’d be with a dude, but instead you chose to date the person at hand,
so they just need to be able to sit with that and absorb your awesome summertime love vibes while they can!

Dear Nicole,
My friends always try to set me up with unmotivated slackers who work in the deli at New Seasons. What gives?!
Where can I meet a tall hot motivated guy who likes it rough?

Tara Jepsen:
Don’t let your friends set you up. Wait for the right dummy to knock on your door like the rest of us.

Kirk Read: Don’t try to marry hot sex, have it on the side. Dress more slutty if you want someone to be rough.

Amos Mac: What is “New Seasons”? Where do you live? Deli guys can
be hot AND rough… maybe you just need to find a more motivated deli
guy, or move to Brooklyn.

Nicole J. Georges: I think the deli counter at New Seasons could be JUST the place to find a tall hot guy who likes it rough. Am I wrong?
As for the motivation part, welcome to Portland. I’m afraid I may be the
wrong person to ask about where to find motivated men. The City
Grill????
I’m sorry I’ve failed you, kind reader.